What Do Tantrums, Yelling, Whining and Losing Your Cool All Have in Common?

Show Notes:

You have feelings, your child has feelings and sometimes those feelings are coming out as unwanted behaviours or reactions.

The question I'm tackling in this episode, in our efforts to parent differently and make space for more feelings are we unwittingly making space for more unwanted or unkind behaviours.

The big and fancy term for this is emotional regulation, but what does that mean for parents. 

Curious to learn more about how social emotional skills building can make some of your everyday challenges a little easier to navigate. Register for my new workshop: Building an Emotional Regulation Toolbox HERE

Note: The transcript below may not be exactly the same as the podcast, it has been edited for readability and context.

 Big Feelings, Big Reactions & Emotional Regulation

Does your child have meltdowns, tantrums, whine, scream, run away, cry, push, pull, bite, or … you get the idea? How about you? Do you lose your cool? Yell when you are trying your hardest to yell less? Get really ugly feelings about your parenting at times? Maybe even lose some sleep about the parent guilt of it all? Did I spend enough time? Am I totally screwing this whole gig up?

All of these things are the product of feelings, and I’ve noticed that we aren’t always super honest about our conversations around feelings. Probably not a super shocking statement there. The truth, sometimes feelings come out as unwanted behaviours or reactions. For you and your children. This is the thing nobody wants to talk about and parents who are trying their hardest to make space for feelings are either feeling crushed by the mental drain of making space or unintentionally doing things to prevent yourself or your children from experiencing uncomfortable feelings so that you aren’t in a position to have to deal with the reactions to those feelings. We all do it at some point, but the big question, in our effort to make space for feelings are we unwittingly making space for more unwanted behaviours?

Based on what parents and educators are telling me in combination with what I’m seeing I think the answer is yes.

Making Space for Feelings is Relatively New 

We are a pendulum swinging type of culture, often finding ourselves in extremes. On the one side there is… don’t show your feelings and suck it up and on the other side is, you can have all the feelings even if that means you are yelling at people, breaking things or generally being unkind to yourself and others. The truth is, we just don’t know how to make space because we haven’t been doing it for very long and for some of you, maybe only as long as your children have been around. If you caught my last Q & A episode, you know that we put unrealistic timelines on ourselves and our children for learning this stuff.

Social emotional skills and talking about tools for feelings is really quite new, well at least in terms of public discourse. As an article I was reading about the history of SEL in Edutopia pointed out, it used to be considered wishy-washy or only for conflict resolution, but we are really coming to understand it’s full potential in human development and long term success. 

The grass roots conversations started about 20 years ago, when I was working on my Masters and now it is becoming a household conversation. That’s pretty amazing, but it also tells us something really important. You likely didn’t learn any of this stuff growing up, and if you did it was a little bit at school and not on the scale that we are now seeing. And definitely not in a way where you likely feel confident implementing it in your parenting. But here’s the key, this is the thing that will unlock your parenting and support you with becoming the parent you are imagining. It’s the missing skills from your toolbox. Not everything you know is wrong, but what you don’t know, you never learned and it’s probably the reason you’re frustrated, overwhelmed or possibly feeling like a failure.

Feelings are Neither Good or Bad, but That's Easier Said Than Done 

Now the tricky part about feelings is, on the outside none are suppose to be classified as good or bad, they are all meant to inform us. In reality, that’s a pretty intense statement. Uncomfortable feelings that are accompanied by unwanted behaviours, don’t lend themselves to us being very inviting of them or wanting to remove the good/bad label. Nobody really thinks, hey, please be angry and yell or break something. I think most would agree that it’s a lot harder to make space for some feelings over others. Part of that is because we really need more tools in our emotional regulation toolbox so that the more uncomfortable feelings don’t take over everything or do harmful things. It’s easier to suppress those ones, but that’s not actually working. It’s just fuelling your inner volcano and at some point you will erupt, maybe repeatedly.

I’d also like to add this is why it’s important to understand that building skills is not just labelling feelings or using scripts. Theres a whole other layer, and it’s the essential one. It’s the one that I help you build in my program Building Resilience Through Kindness because it’s the stuff you never learned growing up, but makes your everyday parenting easier. As a note, I’ve been told I should share with you that my program has an audio and video option. So if you’re a regular podcast listener, it will be that much easier to fit it into your busy schedules because you can listen the same way you are listening right now.

Limits for Feelings? 

Looping back to that inner volcano. You might be wondering, how is the person who is always talking about making space for feelings suddenly seeming to say feelings need some kind of limit or that perhaps there’s a little more to the statement that all feelings are welcome.

This is my truth in this honest conversation. I believe we need to make space for feelings and I also believe we need to put limits on them, it’s the hows and whys that are important here. Limits doesn’t mean suppress, but it could mean finding different avenues or finding outlets that might not be instantly available to us. I don’t think every space is the right space for all the feelings and that a coping tool might be what we need until we are in a different place. Am I okay with my children disliking it when I say no to the chocolate bar at the check out? Yes. Am I okay with them having a full tantrum about it? Also no. Now, there is nuance depending on age and stage, but ultimately is it tempting to give the chocolate bar to avoid the embarrassment of the outburst versus working on some strategies for what to do with our big feelings and where that big feelings moment might be a better fit. Realistically we can’t make space for big feelings exactly when they happen every single time, that isn’t teaching us resilience or co-existence. This is that pendulum thing I was talking about. When we don’t work to strike a balance we believe every moment has to be treated the same and it doesn’t and shouldn’t.

There was a time in my life where I felt picking sides on issues was the most logical way of doing things. That everything had a clear yes or no, it was just a matter of finding enough evidence. It might not surprise you to learn that at one point in my life I thought I wanted to be a lawyer. A Masters in Criminology, not forensics, the sociology-psychology type, taught me that law isn’t so much about right or wrong, but perhaps who understands the best way to argue. And the goal isn’t actually justice, it’s who is better at arguing the information. Enter one of my biggest morale dilemmas. Would becoming a lawyer mean I would have to argue a case knowing someone might be guilty and yet applying the systems of justice based on my ability to argue could mean they wouldn’t be held accountable? Clearly you know my answer to that morale dilemma was, this isn’t a job I can pursue because lawyer I never became. However, the knowledge and experience I gained from that degree has found it’s way into my world throughout my journey.

Picking sides on this topic in particular is highly problematic. I’ve said it many times before. Emotional suppression and emotional free for all are two extremes and both are doing more harm than good.

So while I agree with the movements out there that are saying we need to make more space for feelings and the reactions to those feelings I’m not on board with making so much space that feelings take over and I’m also not on board with a balance that suggests unwanted behaviours are simply the natural consequence of some of the uncomfortable feelings we have. Things like: jealousy, anger, frustration, disappointment, guilt…. Nobody likes feel those things and I agree they are super important in informing us, but it’s what we do with that information that becomes really important.

Parenting Advice as a Product of Marketing 

This is the part you don’t see on social media, or hear about… after you say the script, after you open the door to the feeling, then what… that’s because the ‘then what’ isn’t magical. It’s the product of effort and it’s rewarding. It’s the part nobody wants to talk about because then ‘you won’t buy in’ or ‘you’ll be scared away’. I dug into this in my episode on Cautionary Tale: Fast Fixes for Parenting Challenges Will Make Your Parenting Harder. If you’re curious about my thoughts on parenting advice as a product of marketing go check that one out.

So let’s talk about the ‘then what’ because that’s the thing that will really unlock your parenting, both for you and your children.

Social Emotional Skills Building and Swimming 

One of my favourite analogies for social emotional skill building is the swimming pool.

When you stand in-front of the swimming pool you know there is an element of danger that is overcome by skills. Can you swim from one end to the other without lessons? Yes perhaps you can doggy paddle. Is it safe or effective? Not really. It’s also extremely exhausting.

Now, with lessons that build your skills over time you can confidently swim across many times over. Now when children are very young they need an adult to hold and guide them in the water. Slowly but surely they need us less and less and we move from being in the water to sitting at the side to not even changing into a swim suit.

I use this example because a body of water is a clear example of something that presents an challenge that we know we need tools and skills for. Emotional regulation is far more abstract. We can’t ‘see a body of water’ yet we still need tools and skills. In fact we need a variety of them, just as you might learn different strokes and floats, the same is true in emotional regulation. Our safety float might be breathing, but some of the big feelings, those uncomfortable ones that lead to the bigger reactions, those ones might need something more. Some body movement, some loud singing, some heavy squishing…. But just like swimming, you can’t just think about learning skills, you need to practice them. Whether that’s with a guide or by taking some swimming lessons, we need to get in the water and practice them. The more fun and engaging those experiences are, the faster we learn.

This same idea applies to tools and skills for emotional regulation. We need to practice them to have them ready for us in those tricky moments. We need to know what to do ‘then what’. After you say the thing… then what… that then what needs practice and some will work better than others. Just like swimming. Some strokes we might get better at than others, but we can still get by with some practice.

Building Tools as Part of Everyday Life 

Now, I know some of you are thinking… my day is jam packed, my brain is overwhelmed, my life is a runaway snowball I can’t possibly find the time to fit in another layer or practicing tools for emotional regulation. I get it! I really do! This is why we have to use the moments we are already living to incorporate the skills building. We don’t have time for an extra layer. I understand, but you can fold it into the things you are already doing.

Story time, car rides, bath time, family routines that address the Big 4 (food, sleep, movement and stimulation) which also support you with getting out the door on time, moving through the day with less parent guilt…. This is what I show you inside the BRTK Bundle because I know you are busy, but I also know the magic isn’t in the script you say, but in the skills you practice that will support you through the on-going ups and downs, not just the ones happening today.

I believe that part of supporting parents and caring adult isn’t telling you how to parent, it’s actually in empowering you with understanding social emotional skills so you that you show up the way you want to with the knowledge you never learned growing up. To help you with striking a balance instead of being pulled by the pendulum swinging inside your mind that is fuelling your self-doubt.